Mom Win: Sex Tips From A Toddler

“If Knox hands you a Sex Card don’t be surprised. He’s pretty attached to them.”  I text my husband shortly after 9am.

As moms, we all know that feeling when it gets too quiet. Normally I can hear my kids bumping and clanging, pulling out every book in the bin and toy in the bucket, racing dinosaur cars and chasing one another around the dining table. These are all sounds of comfort, oddly enough, even with the knowledge that my living room will appear as if a bomb has detonated. Even the “Noooooooo” yelled in protest as they steal toys back and forth is a confirmation that all is proceeding as it should. It is the dead silence that itches your neck and clues us in when they are up to no good and something wicked this way comes.  

Sure enough, as I was tidying up post-breakfast, wiping down the high chairs, I noticed the eerie silence. I peeked out to find that they had discovered the game drawer. We have one of those Ikea media consoles in that shiny white that magically resists the adhesive of any child lock. The latest round of packing tape had worn off and defenses were down.

Knox and Camilla were pillaging with glee. This time they had spared the Scattergories, Truth or Dare, Quelf, Heads Up and various other dinner-party appropriate choices and somehow zeroed in on XXXopoly. What a choice!

In true mom fashion, I launch into action seeking out any silica packets, dice, plastic coins or other choking hazards first. Next I swipe the cards as well as I can… Keep in mind many of these pieces are locked in the ironclad grip of toddlers reveling in their forbidden plunder. Knox hightails it to the couch with a stack of Sex cards in one hand and a wad of paper cash in the other. Go ahead and make it rain my son, you are the least of my worries.

I notice Camilla climbing onto a dining chair to reach where I had thrown the mess of what I had scooped off the floor. For those of you convinced you’ll never negotiate with terrorists, just wait until you have a toddler.

I’m on the losing end of:

Thinking on my feet I realize I have the opportunity to turn this into a sorting game and convince Camilla that we need to place square cards in the square slots, rectangle cards in the rectangle slots, etc. She insists I read each card to her before she’ll comply and I can tell she means business.

  • “Rub Down”
  • “Sexual Sparks”
  • “Rodeo Ride”
  • “Red Light District”
  • “Erotic Chest”

This is obviously one of those moments when I am shining bright as a mother.

Once sorting is complete, Camilla is satisfied with the bargain and takes her “booky” with her, which is actually the folded up Monopoly board a la sexual playground. I hope she’ll forget about it before book time and pray this morning’s flash cards will bypass her rapidly expanding two year old vocabulary.

Crisis averted I direct the kiddos outside for a more wholesome experience including coloring books, tricycles and sunshine while I finish putting away the perishables. In a few minutes Knox runs inside to hand me an “Erotic Chest” card and $50 of game money and then runs back outside. I laugh. Not a bad suggestion and thanks for the tip.

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